I had a day.

I had such a day yesterday.

We're all allowed a day every once in a while.

It was a fling-yourself-dramatically-across-the-bed kind of day that turned into a curl-up-into-the-fetal-position and wait for things to feel better kind of day.

It started early, too. Right after we woke up.

As mentioned before: I make lists. My one big list hasn't, for practical reasons- mind you, been completed. It is the CHRISTMAS list.

Yesterday morning all I could think of was getting things done. I was out of town for most of the week and when I got back the husband and I had THREE Christmas parties in 48 hours.

That being said, my husband lived as a bachelor all week with the dogs (and the cat). He did things like eat cheese. Like... while it's still a block. He made steaks and included a special plate for Shep. I can't really say too much- typically when I'm out of town he is productive. Time before last he installed new lighting into the kitchen... making things much brighter and happier. He DID complete a large portion of the Christmas shopping.... which is amazing. Point being: MY HOUSE WAS A DISASTER.

I don't think straight when my house is a disaster and my to-do list is not complete.


So yesterday I woke up to finish addressing Christmas cards. That's right. It was December 17th and my Christmas cards haven't been mailed. I'm sitting there, surrounded by cards, mad at myself that this is even happening.. and then I realized I was missing some addresses.... so I had to email, text, facebook and send telepathic messages to a few people to get their updated address... What I needed was INSTANT GRATIFICATION. So we went to lunch. Because I'm no good without food.

Bought the very last Christmas present of the season. Had a delicious lunch at Big Orange. Then came home with a new perspective on life.. I had a tasty burger in my belly and had completed a couple of things on my list. Next: finish the cards.

The post offices closes at 1 on Saturday. Did you know that?

I didn't.

My feeling of self worth dwindled... (this is where I fling myself across the bed.... dramatically). All I could see was the unwrapped gifts, the cat hair on... everything, my laundry PILES... more than one. At this stage during my Christmas list, I'm supposed to be hearing Christmas music, baking cookies and pretending to be MARTHA STEWART. Or my Mother. Yes, my mother... that's way better.

Then it's a series of "where can I start" thoughts and "HOW did my house get into this kind of condition" thoughts. That's where I curl into the fetal position and bury myself in the bed. I couldn't seem to start doing anything on my list.

There comes a point when I have so much to do and I feel overloaded that I just decide not to do any of it and throw a fit like a 3 year old instead. Because that's productive. It makes complete sense.

My husband digs through the bed to find me smack in the middle. Not that I'm hard to miss... large ball in the middle of the bed - could be a laundry pile: but was me.

He does this magical thing he always does. Those almond shaped green eyes of his are so calming. He gets me to settle down... tells me to take a nap...This is not his first rodeo, no.

When I woke up, I heard Christmas music... and he was on the living room floor wrapping a few gifts.

And the floor was vacuumed. It's a Christmas Miracle. At least, that's what it felt like. 



**This is, of course, the watered down version. There is no way I'll let anyone except for my husband see exactly how crazy I am :)

Let's talk about things that make me feel less like an adult

I'm out of town for work this week. Staying in a hotel. A hotel with those key cards that can be frustrating... but never as frustrating as THIS.

My room has two doors... one on each end of the room. One door opens to the lobby with the gym and pool... the other door opens to a hallway that I suppose service uses because that's where my breakfast came from this morning.

Last night I needed ice. And Ginger Ale. Needed.

I had already showered... had my pjs on... and if you're female you know that once your bra is off for the day, it's not coming back on. Right? right. I'm glad we all agree. I have the same rule with shoes.

Surely the ice machine is right down the hall... right?

I head out without shoes, and with the ice bucket and my arms in awkward positions so as not to expose le boobies. I know. That's just country.  But I'm thinking this is going to be a discrete, quick trip down the hall.

Okay... surely the ice machine is at the other end of the hall that I hadn't explored, right?

Failed mission. I head back to the room... empty ice bucket thinking to myself "this is one of the many reasons I keep the husband around" (I mean, obviously, there are so many other reasons) He wouldn't even need to ask where the ice machine is... he would just go get ice. He has ice machine radar.

When I get back to my room - at the same door I just left - I put the key in: green light! door doesn't open.

Slide card: green light! (flash of excitement).... door doesn't open.

This goes on at lease 12 more times. Finally it opens. This door was messing with me.

So... I do the unthinkable and hoist the ladies back into the bra... put on the only flat shoes I brought - which happen to be leopard print - they totally meshed with my green flannel pants and Razorback T that I stole from JD's T-shirt stash (why are his shirts always more comfortable? Why?) and I head, a little embarrassed that I needed to ask where the stinking ice machine is, to the front desk.

The front desk guy, who clearly loves his job, pretty much rolled his eyes at me and told me to go down a hall no where close to me and then turn right. And then turn right again. Hooray! Ice! Next stop: Ginger Ale. Easy. Done. Heading back to my room with Ginger Ale that I purchased for as much as I could buy a case of it, a bucket full of ice and water that was, apparently, made from unicorn juice because it too was overpriced. I didn't care. I had what I came for.

This time I'm trying the inside door - the other door - facing the lobby. I slide the card. Red light. Red is bad, right?

Slide it again. Green!

no luck.

again, again, again.... green, red, green.....

This is ridiculous.

I go to the OTHER door. Hauling all of my goodies around past the front desk (this guy I KNOW was laughing at me) back to the service hall alllllllllllllll the way to the end where my door is.

slide, slide, slide, slide, SLIDE, SLIDE OH MY GOSH SLIDE. Lights are green. I'm intelligent enough to know that this HAS to be the way to get into my room... why isn't it working? Why am I still in the hallway with my leopard print shoes and freezing hands and MY BRA ON?

I just leaned against the door with my forehead for a minute.

I wasn't about to go around to the OTHER DOOR again.

Slide. GREEN LIGHT! I'M IN.

It only took me 43 minutes to get ice.

Saturday, I love you.

I love Couch Amanda for so many reasons... this is one of them

Conversation from Thursday night - right after work, 6:30ish:

Amanda: HEEEEY, you wanna go workout?

Me (in a not nearly as enthusiastic tone): I was on my feet all day and my back hurts... I want to, but I can't really talk myself into it.

Amanda:HEEEEEY, you wanna hang out on the couch?

:)

It's Saturday morning... and the husband and I are not traveling... we don't have any plans.... there is no agenda. Hooray!! This isn't the sort of thing that if it happened often, I would devalue it... there isn't that "too much of a good thing" element... I'm not afraid of that ever happening. They are rare because of several outside reasons... but also because I don't let them happen enough.

This time of year (especially) it's easy for me to put too much on my plate... I overwhelm myself with things I need to complete, and when I don't complete them I get bummed.... I'm sure I'm not alone in this.... working out was on my list Thursday. It didn't happen - as you can see above - and you can bet I kind of beat myself up about it.

I make lists. Lots of lists. My boss, at this point, knows that if I don't make a list by 10:30 AM - my day is going to be completely useless. Shot. Not productive. I have to make a list to get things done. Otherwise, I'm just aimlessly walking around the office looking for things to do with a vacant look in my eyes.

This habit continues in my non-work related life: I make grocery lists in order of how I walk through the store, I make Christmas lists, I make house cleaning lists and errands lists. I don't chill until my list is complete. Which is why most of my Christmas shopping is all ready done (hello, cyber Monday). The one thing I never include in a list: laundry. I hate laundry. I'll do it when I'm out of clothes. Then, and only then, will my laundry be done.

My lists are helpful (especially my amazing grocery lists) - and necessary for someone who is not naturally organized (like me... without a list, sooo scattered) - but ending the day with items still on my list makes for a cranky Melanie. And I tend to put too much on my list sometimes... it's a vicious cycle. I need to ease up!

I LOVE scratching items off my list. Luckily my husband thinks it's "cute". Or at least that's what he says

my point... because there is one : I don't often allow myself to just do nothing and not feel guilty about it. So sitting on my couch watching last nights DVR'd Chelsea Lately with my Pete, who is actually laying down beside me... even the dog is relaxing today, and blogging in my PJs at 9:58 AM is a treat. I don't have a list for today. Although the ridiculous part of me wants to make a list that simply says : Relax.

Relaxing Pete and my knee.

Oh, and I just had some really great hot tea. I love not being in a hurry.

Living life on the edge. Ha!

Just a side note: My husband introduced me to an app called EverNote - it's amazing. I can make a list on my mac - and it will be on my phone... it saves everything... you can use it to catalog ANYTHING. You can edit it on your phone or computer and it will save... you'll never forget things because they are THERE.  It's a list makers dream come true.

Thanksgiving: this and that.

Whoa. I'm still full.

Moments from the past few days that you may want to know about:

6 - I completed my entire Thanksgiving list, and my dad referred to me as "organized". That probably doesn't sound like a big deal to you: but it is. I'm constantly having to make myself get organized because I'm naturally scattered. List making keeps me sane (ish). And happy!

5 - The day before Thanksgiving, my in-laws showed up at my front door.... TO HELP ME CLEAN. It was the sweetest thing....My Mother-in-Law told me that she didn't want to "hurt my feelings, but she understood that I work all the time and I had been sick the weekend before... so she wanted to help" - she also told me that I could take all the credit for my spotless house. I, of course, bragged to everyone who would listen about how sweet they are and how much help it was to have them over. I totally lucked out in the in-law department. She even dusted.

4 - Explaining to my sister that she "gets" to sleep on Luke's top bunk bed... and then having to apologize the next morning when he woke up with the sun and played music... and started creating with legos.

3 - Being in the kitchen with most of the people I love... it was a complete success and the first time the husband and I have been "in charge" of pulling off such a feast. I have to admit, it was quite tasty... and I didn't burn one thing! The turkey was perfect and now we all know that my husband can cook a bird to perfection. I feel like I got to use all of my housewife skills. Originally we set a goal of 2:30 for dinner..... we started gathering around the table at 2:26. BOOM!

2 - Running my errands the day before...completing them all before 10 AM - I had: Christmas presents, 4 pies and 2 freshly groomed dogs (one small.... one large and tubby) in my car... Pies and presents in the front seat.... dogs in the back each looking out of a window. I was feeling like a totally efficient adult. I was basking in my success with my sunglasses on and fully dressed even on my day off at 10 am. I turned the car off, pulled the key out.. and Pete (little one) jumped into the front seat on top of a pie. smoosh. Eh.... I decided I had better things to do than freak out about it. It was covered. Not pretty, but covered. The good news: I laughed and didn't yell.

1 - My mother - who is definitely one of my heroes for so many reasons including this one - looks over to my mother-in-law, the preacher's wife... and also one of my heroes, and asks "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN BITCHIN' KITCHEN?"

0 - because I didn't know that I was going to have 7, and adding 0 is the lazier way to add another. My family always goes around the table to say what we're thankful for on Thanksgiving - and my MIL just about made us all cry when she said she is thankful for me and also for our marriage - because I bring so much happiness to JD. It makes my heart all warm and fuzzy to know that it's easily recognized by his parents how happy we are together... and how happy he is.

-1 - I'm sorry! I'll be done after this one. Obviously I'm really great at planning...
My cousin (Garage Sale Julie) and her little ones came over - one of them is my actual God-child - though they're both dear to my heart. Jack (2) walked in and said "GOBBLE GOBBLE". I can't express to you how adorable this was - but it was the cutest thing I've ever seen. Then we (Jack + Addie) had a moment to browse the toy catalogs... and I no longer have to worry about what to get them for Christmas. 

Thanksgiving was dreamy. It was just enough chaos and just enough relaxing... it was amazing food and even more amazing family time. I didn't have to miss my parents or my in-laws... we were all here. Luke is home. My dogs have been clean for over 24 hours now and don't yet smell like their muddy backyard. Things feel pretty perfect :)

I don't feel all that eloquent tonight... in fact, I haven't been able to post because I've been having trouble writing lately... but I had to share these. Excuse the poor writing skills.... and if you see my typical writing skills which are just a little better than these, send them home.

I don't play the piano.

Three years ago I had jaw surgery. Yes, that's right, I had jaw surgery a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving (it was the only time I could do it....it was complete torture).  With that being said, I was incredibly drugged up and still not quite used to staying awake for full days when Thanksgiving dinner with the family came around. Saying it was "jaw surgery" makes it sound wayyy more simple than it actually was, but I'm not going to go into all of it because it's quite boring unless you're my dentist or surgeon (I hope they're both enjoying their boats!).

I wasn't even engaged to JD yet - and I was still news to his family. He has a really, really sweet family - and I love them to pieces, but back then I was still trying to impress them and show them that I was (am) a keeper. It was still the awkward part of a relationship as far as hanging out with the family went...they had only known I existed for about two months.. and here I am post surgery, drugged up and sitting at their dinner table not eating. Loads of fun for everyone involved.

Before I knew it - this is all extremely blurry to me - my future mother-in-law fills an awkward silence with "oh, Melanie plays the piano AND the organ!"

I, unable to really react in decent time, finally realize what she has said and give my not-yet-husband a look with my eyeballs practically falling out of my face that says "I DO NO SUCH THINGS"... he is, in return, giving me the exact same expression. Luke is sitting in between us. The conversation has all ready moved onto something else. His Aunt Linda has acknowledged that "Melanie plays the piano AND the organ"... the moment to correct them has passed. Besides, I'm drugged up... so I'm sitting there worried that I may have TOLD HER that I play the piano AND THE ORGAN... but I couldn't recall.

I think I had 4 naps that day... and it just didn't come up again. I figured it would go away and I wouldn't have to address the fact that I do not play the piano. Or the organ.

Then Christmas came around.

My boyfriend's mom, who thinks I can play, regularly plays at church and is incredibly talented, asks me to play while we're decorating the Christmas tree. I don't really remember what I did to get out of it, but she just concluded (out loud) that I was just being modest.

Easter comes. Same thing.

Eventually she asks more frequently.

We get married.

We have a year anniversary... all the while, this is going on. "Oh, Melanie, why don't you play something? I have music right here!", "you must be so talented you just don't want to show off"... inside my head. exploding.

By now, I've told my mom what's going on. She thinks it's hilarious, but I was really worried about explaining to my Mother-in-law that I didn't know where she came up with that... but I am not a fellow piano player. I was embarrassed that I had let it go on this long. But if you know my mother-in-law, you know that she is so sweet and so gentle... and the last person on earth you would want to disappoint. I guess I also came into this family worried about disappointing them (eh, insecurities... sillyness) which made it even harder to face. Mom and I had several discussions on how I could make this go away - but her advice was always to just tell the truth.

I called my Aunt Diana - who plays and has taught the piano - to ask her how long it would take her to teach me a song... a good song that seemed complicated enough for a pro to play - but easy enough for an amateur. She laughed. It was a short conversation.

It made me feel guilty.. but also, anytime his mom mentioned it - JD looked at me with this expression that I cannot even describe. He wanted to laugh.. and I wanted him to instigate this moment of truth confession extravaganza. He never did either.

Finally, this year (I KNOW... almost three years later) we were sitting down at Mimi's Cafe having brunch - and the subject comes up. Again.

I look at my husband. I knew it was time.

I took a deep breath.

It all came spilling out... the whole thing. I was almost in tears - which I'm sure seems ridiculous. My Father-in-law was the first to laugh (thank goodness) and eventually we all laughed. She revisits all the moments I've turned down playing the piano for her.. and it all comes together. She doesn't know when she got the idea that I had such talents... but she really believed that I told her.. and maybe I did.. on one very blurry, post-op day.

I'm sorry, I can't - I have to wash my hair.

I'm officially lame.

and I completely expect to get judged for this, but that's okay - I'm asking for it, right?

The husband and I got asked to go to dinner and a movie tonight. by friends that we haven't seen in a while. a long while....

it was sort of short notice.

We're not short notice kind of people (anymore).

Instead I (kindly) replied that we have a date.... at the grocery store... Looking back, I probably should have just left it at "we have a date".

I get how terrible that sounds, but in my defense, we really do love going to the grocery store together. And we're sooo out of all the things that make our tummies happy.

After I replied and felt like an ass (I mean, I may as well have said "I have to wash my hair"... which I really should do soon), I realized that she must think we're such losers now...


These are friends that we used to go out with and stay up until the wee hours of the morning dancing and drinking and laughing and being silly with.

Oops.

Off to Kroger!!

The (travel) Hangover.

Visiting the town I grew up in is always a little strange.

For one, the place always looks EXACTLY the same to me - even though I know there have to be changes... somewhere. It takes me a few days, typically, after a visit to East Texas to recuperate. It's not that I don't like being there, it's that it's emotionally draining - especially when my husband doesn't go with me.

The truth is: I have a lot that I left there that I don't have to face or think about. Until I'm there. Alone.

I went to the track (the high school track... well, the high school, middle school and elementary track... because the school I went to was that small) on Saturday to run a bit - I don't think I had been there since I graduated. And since I spent my senior year of high school avoiding the place altogether, it had probably been longer than that. I'm sure I'm not the only person who gets an eerie feeling being back there: for going to such a teeny school, I lost a lot of friends (in a school of this particular size, your friends with almost everyone... or you at least know everyone and pass them on a daily basis). When I say "lost friends", what I mean is: we all attended many funerals. We all = the people who had to deal with the same thing.

So, while running on the track, thoughts of these people.... these friends seemed to follow closely.

I know nostalgia can be an ugly thing... it's not that I think I'm the only person who left heartbreak, failed relationships (and friendships), my previous self, and headstones that I can't ever go look at - it's that I really don't think about any of this... (on purpose) - it hit me a little hard this time. I rarely go out of town without the husband... so this type of travel hangover isn't usually so bad. I think I'm just now over it this afternoon... I've been back since early Sunday.

I'm used to driving with my parents' house in my rear view and tears in my eyes... it still hurts, but I prepare myself for it. I wasn't prepared this time for the rest of it.

A certain guilt comes with living away from my family. We're a close family - so seeing them once a month (most of the time... sometimes more, sometimes less) is difficult. I see my brother even less than that... which I hate. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, and I absolutely love Little Rock (believe it or not!), but it's never going to be easy to be away from them. I am always having to remind myself that they're not THAT far away... too far to have lunch with any given day... too far to go to my niece's dance recital at a moments notice... but not too far for a weekend visit.

Here's the thing: I don't see myself living there. Maybe, big fat maybe, back in DFW someday... but..I don't know.

I get panicky when I think about having kids and being away from all of them... but I have to remember: five years ago I had no idea I would be here... and I don't exactly know where I'll be five years from now. It's the comfort I have when this sort of panic comes up. I've never taken such comfort in the unknown.

I guess it's been kind of an exhausting three days - trying to digest the emotions... but I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

PS - this is not to say that my visit with my family and friends while I was in town wasn't great - because it was. I loved every second of spending time with them. Disclaimer complete.