Open Eyes. and punching bags.

Tomorrow is Friday :)

Tomorrow Luke comes home :)

We have a ton to be Thankful for.

I know we're past the whole "holiday, I'm so thankful for everything including nose hair" season - but...truthfully, we should have those moments more often than just Thanksgiving through Christmas - I think. No, don't stop reading - this will be good, I promise.

I work in property management... which keeps things.... interesting (to say the least). There are days when I come home wondering HOW a resident can act the way they act... or, sometimes, smell the way they smell. It's definitely not an easy job - being involved in something as important as an individual's living arrangements comes with heavy dealings. My position involves training other employees, but a big part of my job is also being a buffer between the maintenance/office teams and the resident. I love my job - but I left there today choking back some tears... and desperately needing a shower.

We've been installing fire extinguishers into alllll of the apartments this week - so we've seen things. This also gives us an excuse to check out the properties in detail and do an inspection. We've seen nasty, unclean homes. We've seen spotless, obviously recently bleached homes. We've seen people attempt to hide their pets. We've seen one particular bathroom completely decorated in Dora the Explorer gear.  We've seen strange displays of "art". We've seen kitchens with dinner on the counter from 3 nights ago (or more). We've seen bugs. Big ones.

It's easy to forget as a very blessed, very fortunate person that some people are really just trying to get by.  The whole "put yourself in their shoes" thing comes into play often with this job, but it becomes real once you walk into some of these homes.

I inspected an apartment today that I know belonged to a family. 2 little girls... both probably under 4 and a little boy. This is a 2 bedroom apartment. The living room had a pull-out sofa bed (this is the first room I could see... my immediate thought was "oh, they've got more people living here than they have documented on the lease"... because that's just where my mind goes first) - so, pull-out sofa bed and a small table. Nothing in the dining room. Nothing in the kitchen except a sippy-cup. One bedroom had a mattress on the floor... and that's when I saw a little pink tricycle in the corner of an empty bedroom....

I know we're all dealt different lives and situations (this was my best attempt to not say cards... cliche and all). I also believe that not everyone is equipped to survive all situations, meaning: some people may be be given rougher lives because Someone greater knows they can pull through... when others cannot. It's the only way I can rationalize it. Yes, I have to try...

It's just... I came home from my really great job to my fully furnished, warm home. I know not everybody gets that. It's easy to get sucked into being greedy and materialistic (I'm willing to admit that it is for me. I definitely struggle with it)... it's not that I forget how privileged I am. But some days my eyes seem to be open wider than normal. Today is one of those days. 

Not to take away from the above, but I have to include this:

One apartment had a giant punching bag in the living room and I REALLY wanted to kick it as soon as I saw it... but I maintained my professionalism and did not... UNTIL: my maintenance guy forgot his drill and had to go back out to get it... as soon as he rounded the corner out the door I gave that punching bag my best kick.

I felt pretty smug. I also felt like I needed one of these punching bags!

I turned around to see the camera that the resident keeps in the upper living room corner. I waved. Caught.

Just then, my maintenance team member walked in to catch me waving at the ceiling. So I had to explain myself.
Busted.

There is a rule

Now, correct me if I'm wrong...

Isn't there an unspoken rule in the workplace?

A rule about #2....

ISN'T THERE???!

I work for three properties (one of them is a 2fer... two properties, one office) - and in both office there is one bathroom in not so private areas. One of them has the bathroom directly between the managers office and the KITCHEN and the area for residents... the other office has a bathroom located in the back next to the assistant manager and where I'm usually sitting....

When someone breaks this unspoken rule, NO ONE is safe.

It's awful.

GO HOME. do it during lunch. POO ELSEWHERE.

How can this not make complete sense to the rest of the world?

At the 2fer property... our mailman (a very nice, older gentleman - think... Santa Claus but wayyy skinnier.. so not Santa at all, just skinny older man with a white beard) is very friendly. He comes in around 1ish every day... and every day he chats with me about whatever is going on (typically the weather.. because he is a mailman) and after our lengthy chats he goes on to abuse the bathroom... 20 minutes later he'll walk out and wave goodbye as if he didn't just make my lunch come back up.

As for my coworkers... I just don't understand how they can look the rest of us in the eyes after doing something so terrible. 

Now, I understand that emergencies come up... but there are public bathrooms right around the corner from our offices for those kind of... sudden happenings.

THERE IS A RULE.

Also... if I don't hear the water run for at least 30 seconds after you flush (because we can allllll hear you flush) I totally judge you.

Just keep swimming

I think I need a vacation.

Rephrasing that: I need a vacation.

This whole working for a living thing is for the birds.

Nah - it's not really that I don't like working... although work has been stretching me pretty thin here lately (although I mean figuratively, I WISH physically...). I've been coming home exhausted most days - and, as a naturally happy person - maintaining my smiley attitude has been difficult as of late - which makes me a little disappointed in myself. I would like to think I'm one of those "push through the storm with a positive attitude" people - but this... this is a long storm. As long as I remind myself that it's temporary - I'm okay. It's when I get caught up in the drama of it all and the negative thinking spiral begins.... eh... you get it.

I really would just EAT UP a few days off... away... somewhere in the mountains by a lake - or on the beach or on a giant bed in a cabin with lots of good food and a few easy reads..... and of course, the Mister :)

He still gives me butterflies.

It's nice.

We were in a long distance relationship for a year before I moved to Little Rock. We tore up the roads between LR and Dallas...

Today we met for lunch and both went the same direction for a while when we had to return to work (which doesn't happen often because he works on the other side of town and I always eat lunch at home) - but there was a moment where he had to exit and I stayed on the freeway - our cars were getting farther from each other  - but were parallel... we waved... and my heart fluttered. I guess that is never going to go away. There were so many days and nights that we had to drive away from each other like that - waving... counting the minutes until the next time we would see one another. That was the most difficult, wonderful, exciting time. I'm thankful for not having to live that way anymore!

So - I got off track... but I don't really know that I had a track tonight....

No vacation in sight for now - so.. I'll "just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" :)

Too many episodes of Cup Cake Wars makes things look easy.

It's been a crap couple of weeks.

You can probably tell what kind of post this is going to be. I would bail out now if you aren't up for "hearing" me whine.

It's been a couple weeks that just... make me feel like a failure. Like I keep missing my chances at something that could be a turning point. I've managed to sabotage two possible turning points in exactly one week. Wow... only one week. I thought it was more than that. It's been a longgggggg week. Kind of a 2fer. Not the good kind.

Last week at work I was sent to Memphis to do some field training. I've always worked with new employees at my job - one on one - to get them acclimated and, hopefully, good at their job while maintaining a positive attitude... but I've never worked with a group of people at once using a curriculum..so this was going to be new to me. I was up for the challenge, mainly because I'd never met any of these people and I knew what I was talking about... the subject wasn't foreign.  The short version of the rest of this story, without giving too much away about the company I work for.... , is that my opportunity was sort of taken - and I feel like I should have voiced that I wanted to do it anyways - it was someone wayyyy over me that decided to teach the class that day.

If you don't know about my job... the nutshelled story: I work in property management mainly focusing on resident retention. The properties I work with are kind of rough.. and the residents tend to burn me out - they're just hard people... hard people to please... hard people to make smile... just... difficult - so I've been trying to get away from being in the front office dealing directly with residents, and I prefer to work with employees and internal situations...

It felt like my opportunity to finally be out of that front office may be coming... and BAM... it went right by me and all I could do was frown and wave a sad little wave. I'm still not sure what I could have done differently... but probably something. I know this is vague - but in the event that the owner of the company reads this, I've not put anything negative about my job... but he'll probably ask, since I just said that. Oh, geez.

Next turning point (I know, I need a new term for "turning point"): I've always had a secret little dream to open a bakery. Maybe a girly bakery that sells breakfast and tasty goodies and local artist items/jewelry and custom cake stands... I may have given this SOME thought.  Now, don't let me fool you: I don't know the first thing about doing this... but it's just always been there in the back of my head. Well, I've recently started talking about it. Out loud... not just in my head... and to my husband/friends/parents... my mom's reaction "::laugh:: I didn't think you bake that often..." Well... I do! Ask my husband (and his co-workers... who usually have to eat what I make so I can get it out of the house). My problem is I'm not that great at making things PRETTY. I can make them tasty and edible.... but making it pretty has always been my problem. I'm getting better... or so I thought.

Earlier this week one of my friends asked me to make a goody basket full of yumminess for her boyfriend and have it delivered to his work (the chick version of sending flowers... send him something to eat). I agreed because I thought this could be the start of something. Everything would go smashingly and I would make a delicious, beautiful basket full of heavenly treats... she would tell her friends and I would have people calling for me to do this all the time.

Uh, not so much.

I couldn't get my frosting right. I don't know why. I don't typically have this problem... but today, for reasons I don't understand, it wouldn't get RIGHT. God has a sense of humor.

Next: the white chocolate that I melted to cover the truffles in wasn't getting runny (ew...) enough to coat my candies without being clumpy. I bought a different brand than normal... but I didn't think it would make a difference. Oh, it did.

I also made snickers popcorn... for the first time. Let's just say it didn't look like the photo.

Now, my friend, being the sweetheart that she is, will tell me it's fabulous and they'll talk about how ghetto the whole thing looks when they're alone. I will not have people calling me to do this all the time.

Today was my day off because I worked saturday... All I wanted to do was clean the house.

I made a huge mess in the kitchen and my laundry is still in a large pile(s) at the end of the bed. UGHHHH

I just feel a little like I suck at life.

Maybe my friend will let me have a re-do and I will make things better.

Maybe I'm just going to go to sleep now.

Last thing: I've been working my butt off (.. I wish literally) to lose weight. Working out sometimes twice a day.... I haven't been eating THAT badly... I have gained weight.

Okay, bed.

The Real Kind.

I got called fat today. To my face. But it doesn't matter.

Allow me to break this down for you: My husband is ah-mazing.

I was having a particularly lovely day, minding my own business... thinking about getting off work and having a very much needed date night with my Sweetheart...and one of my residents (a rather harsh woman from New Orleans... late 50's, living off the government since Katrina, doesn't shower often or work ever) comes in to handle some lease signing business. We were all finished and this is how the conversation went:

Resident Smelly: You know, you got big
Me: .....excuse me?
RS: Yeah. You got big. You didn't used to be so big.
Me: That's not very nice. (insert complete look of bewilderment)
RS: Well, but you you know it's true.
Me: That doesn't mean I want to hear it. Here is a copy of your renewal.

She walked away smiling... her mission was complete. She got the government to sign another year of paying her rent so she can smoke weed and steal bread from the EZ mart - and she also managed to upset me. I didn't cry in front of her or anything, but when she left I definitely had one of those "... that. just. happened." moments. She isn't my friend or someone that I even care what they think about me... but what kind of adult DOES THAT? I mean.... DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? I couldn't decide if I wanted to laugh or cry (I did a little of both).  Then I called my mom.

I didn't mean to give her such power over me... in fact, before I left work I even settled down and reminded myself that I have a husband that loves me even if I have gained 20something pounds over the past few years. Things happen... I've also been on a powerful steroid for the last 19 days - so I'm a little puffier than normal and retaining lots of water. I certainly didn't need her help in the self esteem department - I do fine on my own there.... trust me.

But

Then when I got in my car to leave - I couldn't stop thinking about the conversation and replaying it in my head.. trying to think of what I would have said had I been able to think. I probably would have been mean back... because that's the defensive thing to do. I would have mentioned her stench or the fact that I pay my own bills... or that I go home to a husband.... but that wouldn't have helped. It wouldn't have REALLY made me feel better.... maybe just a little less attacked - but not better. I really had my feelings hurt - I've never been called BIG to my face. The fact that she was just a random person made me feel really insecure - she doesn't know me or care about me... so if she says it and thinks it - the people that love me must just be trying to be nice... but they see it too. See? She got in my head a little.

And then I came home to my sweet, sweet husband. <3 Oh, that man. He had prepared. He knew what happened and that he had his work cut out for him. Poor guy...

He came home to me laying in bed with my sunglasses still on. I immediately replayed the scene for him and started crying so that he could begin consoling me with his charming words... He really knows what he is doing...

Then, in the middle of telling him the whole thing - I remembered that I'm reading a book called A Way With Words. I just started it a couple of days ago. It's about being careful with our words and using them only for the positive - trying to keep from destroying someone just because we can't hold our tongue - and I had a little feeling of accomplishment: I hadn't said something awful back to her. All I could get out was "that's not very nice". At the time, I was unhappy that I hadn't said something clever like "the good news is: my mother taught me manners!" or "Yeah, being in love and happy really makes me pack on the pounds"... but looking back, I'm so glad I didn't. Just like she doesn't know anything about me - I don't know anything about her or her history.... I'm really thankful that I said what I did. I don't think I'm allowed to take any "credit" because it didn't really occur to me until afterward, but I'm still glad. Granted - I pitched a fit when she left...

That's the short version - and my husband helped me work this all out and not feel bad about it.

So, after I pulled myself together, decided not to have an eating disorder and reapplied some eye makeup, we went to Cantina Laredo - one of our favorites (it's the best Mexican food in AR... it's the closest thing to Mexican food from home - and our favorite server there always makes us smile - his name is Carlos).

Two Cabo Margaritas later and some enchiladas camerones - I was STUFFED. Too stuffed.... gave myself a tummy ache. While at dinner the husband mentioned that he knew we would either go out and have a fabulous night as planned, or we would be taking a really long run - haha.

So - onto the part where true love owns:

We got home and my tummy was... unhappy. I had to lay down for a while... and he curled up with me to play Words With Friends (even though we previously established that it's kind of damaging to our relationship because I never get to win.... I'm actually winning our current game! I'm sure that will change soon). We both fell asleep for about an hour... We had originally planned on seeing a movie or SOMETHING else to follow up our dinner date - but that didn't happen. And now I'm writing this blog while he is reading and listening to music.... and we're HAPPY. I get to be happy. I can't believe that I married such an amazing man. I get to be the REAL KIND of happy. Maybe not skinny, at the moment, but happy!

Let's recap: some lady made me upset about being fat, I cried and went out to our dinner date anyways where I practiced being fat and gave myself a tummy ache, we came home and fell asleep instead of more fun date things and then woke up to relax together. I'd say that things are pretty great. Even if the scale doesn't read the way I really want it to right now. Former, less happy Melanie would have let that whole ordeal ruin the entire night. Happily married, very much loved Melanie knows it's not worth it.... She is way more fun!

So take me far away 

and hold me close to your heart 

and do me just this little favor 

for I do, yes I do love you

yes, I do love you. - KT