Chicken and Bananas

I told myself I wasn't going to blog about this....

Several times I said that....

but, I think it's partially the reason I haven't been around much lately - and I've come to terms with the way things have gone... so I don't mind that anyone knows at this point.

6 weeks ago tomorrow I woke up and knew things were different.

I wasn't pregnant anymore.

No, I wasn't very far along... 8 weeks. Long enough to know I was pregnant. Long enough to puke in a Target store. Long enough to make a name list and tell my parents (and his parents). Long enough to have an aversion to chicken and bananas. Long enough to read the books and have hopes and fears about the baby... long enough.

The truth is: we prayed and planned for that baby.

It kind of swept the rug out from under me, so to speak, to lose the pregnancy... as soon as I realized we were pregnant I was in love with that little piece of us (affectionately referred to as "the bean"). The timing couldn't have been more perfect (it seemed).

People typically say the same things in different ways when they hear about a miscarriage (I've found): "oh, it'll happen again for you", "it just wasn't the right time", "I'm so sorry, how far along were you? ::pause for answer:: oh.... " (some people seemed to blow it off... because I wasn't pregnant enough for it to count or something).

I immediately felt disconnected from..... everything. I can't explain why. 

As common as a miscarriage is.... it didn't comfort me at all to know that it happens all the time and that I wasn't alone. That doesn't matter when you lose something that is so incredibly precious.

I watched the pregnant things about me change back to normal quickly... of course if I hadn't told you, it would have been almost impossible to tell that I was pregnant at all...

I had a ton of trouble sleeping, a lot of sadness that progressed to anger... and some guilt was in the mix. Then came the insecurity. Then acceptance.

Now, finally, some peace about it.

It had been a rough month or so - I feel like I'm finally coming out of a funk (JD too....). It was all unexpected and it was difficult to face. Hello, light at the end of the tunnel! So happy to see you!

The silver linings (because you  know I had to find them!) in no particular order:
1 - I won't be super fat pregnant during the hottest, nastiest time of year.
2 - We can save more money (as if we're ever going to be prepared...but, you know)
3 - We have time to finish the house (.... hypothetically. HA!)
4 - I have time to get into better shape - which by the way: I have been doing. Down a dress size since March 14! Back into boot camp!
5 - JD and I have worked through something pretty tough together that we've never had to face before... he is a great husband - and has always been supportive - but things have evolved for us recently... in a way I couldn't have expected.
6 - I have more time to ponder natural birth vs pain killers and giant needles.... although I think the choice is clear...(ouch!)
7 - It's served as a wake up call... I'm a bit of a control freak... and it's just unrealistic to continue to be that way. Besides, maybe I wasn't prepared. Who knows. I know I don't know.... and I suppose that's the point.
8 - I can eat both chicken AND bananas again. Only if the chicken is thin, though.

To the couple of friends who knew and helped carry us during that experience: thank you so much... I never could have functioned without you.