The (travel) Hangover.

Visiting the town I grew up in is always a little strange.

For one, the place always looks EXACTLY the same to me - even though I know there have to be changes... somewhere. It takes me a few days, typically, after a visit to East Texas to recuperate. It's not that I don't like being there, it's that it's emotionally draining - especially when my husband doesn't go with me.

The truth is: I have a lot that I left there that I don't have to face or think about. Until I'm there. Alone.

I went to the track (the high school track... well, the high school, middle school and elementary track... because the school I went to was that small) on Saturday to run a bit - I don't think I had been there since I graduated. And since I spent my senior year of high school avoiding the place altogether, it had probably been longer than that. I'm sure I'm not the only person who gets an eerie feeling being back there: for going to such a teeny school, I lost a lot of friends (in a school of this particular size, your friends with almost everyone... or you at least know everyone and pass them on a daily basis). When I say "lost friends", what I mean is: we all attended many funerals. We all = the people who had to deal with the same thing.

So, while running on the track, thoughts of these people.... these friends seemed to follow closely.

I know nostalgia can be an ugly thing... it's not that I think I'm the only person who left heartbreak, failed relationships (and friendships), my previous self, and headstones that I can't ever go look at - it's that I really don't think about any of this... (on purpose) - it hit me a little hard this time. I rarely go out of town without the husband... so this type of travel hangover isn't usually so bad. I think I'm just now over it this afternoon... I've been back since early Sunday.

I'm used to driving with my parents' house in my rear view and tears in my eyes... it still hurts, but I prepare myself for it. I wasn't prepared this time for the rest of it.

A certain guilt comes with living away from my family. We're a close family - so seeing them once a month (most of the time... sometimes more, sometimes less) is difficult. I see my brother even less than that... which I hate. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, and I absolutely love Little Rock (believe it or not!), but it's never going to be easy to be away from them. I am always having to remind myself that they're not THAT far away... too far to have lunch with any given day... too far to go to my niece's dance recital at a moments notice... but not too far for a weekend visit.

Here's the thing: I don't see myself living there. Maybe, big fat maybe, back in DFW someday... but..I don't know.

I get panicky when I think about having kids and being away from all of them... but I have to remember: five years ago I had no idea I would be here... and I don't exactly know where I'll be five years from now. It's the comfort I have when this sort of panic comes up. I've never taken such comfort in the unknown.

I guess it's been kind of an exhausting three days - trying to digest the emotions... but I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

PS - this is not to say that my visit with my family and friends while I was in town wasn't great - because it was. I loved every second of spending time with them. Disclaimer complete.

This house is home.

The husband and I have lived in our home for a year now. We closed on September 16, 2010 (last year for my birthday: I GOT A HOUSE... hard to beat that!)... we took a little over a month to make some changes to it: have it painted (I can only live in a crayon box), changed out the fixtures, had the carpets cleaned... had the WHOLE THING cleaned... it took longer than we thought it would- but we were also extremely anxious to move out of the thimble we were living in at the time (not that there is anything wrong with thimbles, it's just that we were bursting out the seams... between the two of us, Luke, the dog *only one at the time!* and the cat... we seemed to be pretty squished - the cat needs an entire room to her self AT ALL TIMES).  Not to get all mushy, but (I'm gonna) it seems so surreal to me now that we've been here. For a year. Making this house ours... making it home. I feel like we've lived here forever (in a good way). We still have work to do on it... but I wouldn't trade it. I painted the front door just a few weeks ago - so that the neighbors can tell from the outside that it's a crayon box!

We've had parties here and holidays and visitors and quiet nights... we love this house.

Everything has happened faster for us than we ever imagined it would. I may have mentioned it before... but when we met - I KNEW I had to be with JD. I knew I was going to marry him and love him and share a life with him... but I had no idea how it would happen... or when...Things were complicated.

SO that makes living in our own home for a whole year a really. big. deal.

We laughed the other day remembering my first time to hang out with my parents and JD at the same time: it was my birthday in Denton (where I went to school) - JD and I had been dating for months, but my parents had just found out he existed. Mom and Dad came to take me shopping for my birthday. Guess what I wanted for my birthday? A MATTRESS. How awkward is that? I went MATTRESS SHOPPING with my parents and my boyfriend of ... a little while... that they just met.
      side note: it wasn't like me to keep things from my parents (still isn't...) so that made the situation even stranger... typically they knew every move I made - I've never been that secretive with them.

Later on JD told me that every time he was about to talk during that shopping extravaganza, he remembered to just not. There was nothing he could say that wouldn't be weird.... but I remember walking with mom through the store... looking over at my dad and my boyfriend testing the same mattress. Dad always looks calm and collected... JD usually does - but he looked so uncomfortable that day. Hilarious. We all tried so hard to keep straight faces that day - but I think all of us wanted to laugh. Not just a little: I mean the kind of uncontrollable laugh that may release a snort.

That was three years ago. It seems so long ago now. At the time, I had no idea that we would all be where we are today. Isn't life funny?

Back to the house: a few of my favorite photos from around the house this first year (in no particular order) -


Bella hamming it up for the camera.



Christmas night... just got done playing Santa. All ready for Luke to come down stairs.




Luke and Fallon loving on the new addition to the family: Shep.




with my sweet mother-in-law, Loretta, on JD's birthday.



me, Mario and my momma - Halloween :)




The Pete.




Synchronized sleeping. Post sugar rush at Luke's birthday party.




I understand how cheesy this photo is - but I still love it. Christmas Eve... a little bit of wine... done playing Santa... <3 We're kind of cheesy, anyway.. you'll get over it.



All set up for Couch Amanda's birthday party. I was impressed with the way JD decided to hang the balloons :)



Okay. Done gushing about all of this. For now.