I had a day.

I had such a day yesterday.

We're all allowed a day every once in a while.

It was a fling-yourself-dramatically-across-the-bed kind of day that turned into a curl-up-into-the-fetal-position and wait for things to feel better kind of day.

It started early, too. Right after we woke up.

As mentioned before: I make lists. My one big list hasn't, for practical reasons- mind you, been completed. It is the CHRISTMAS list.

Yesterday morning all I could think of was getting things done. I was out of town for most of the week and when I got back the husband and I had THREE Christmas parties in 48 hours.

That being said, my husband lived as a bachelor all week with the dogs (and the cat). He did things like eat cheese. Like... while it's still a block. He made steaks and included a special plate for Shep. I can't really say too much- typically when I'm out of town he is productive. Time before last he installed new lighting into the kitchen... making things much brighter and happier. He DID complete a large portion of the Christmas shopping.... which is amazing. Point being: MY HOUSE WAS A DISASTER.

I don't think straight when my house is a disaster and my to-do list is not complete.


So yesterday I woke up to finish addressing Christmas cards. That's right. It was December 17th and my Christmas cards haven't been mailed. I'm sitting there, surrounded by cards, mad at myself that this is even happening.. and then I realized I was missing some addresses.... so I had to email, text, facebook and send telepathic messages to a few people to get their updated address... What I needed was INSTANT GRATIFICATION. So we went to lunch. Because I'm no good without food.

Bought the very last Christmas present of the season. Had a delicious lunch at Big Orange. Then came home with a new perspective on life.. I had a tasty burger in my belly and had completed a couple of things on my list. Next: finish the cards.

The post offices closes at 1 on Saturday. Did you know that?

I didn't.

My feeling of self worth dwindled... (this is where I fling myself across the bed.... dramatically). All I could see was the unwrapped gifts, the cat hair on... everything, my laundry PILES... more than one. At this stage during my Christmas list, I'm supposed to be hearing Christmas music, baking cookies and pretending to be MARTHA STEWART. Or my Mother. Yes, my mother... that's way better.

Then it's a series of "where can I start" thoughts and "HOW did my house get into this kind of condition" thoughts. That's where I curl into the fetal position and bury myself in the bed. I couldn't seem to start doing anything on my list.

There comes a point when I have so much to do and I feel overloaded that I just decide not to do any of it and throw a fit like a 3 year old instead. Because that's productive. It makes complete sense.

My husband digs through the bed to find me smack in the middle. Not that I'm hard to miss... large ball in the middle of the bed - could be a laundry pile: but was me.

He does this magical thing he always does. Those almond shaped green eyes of his are so calming. He gets me to settle down... tells me to take a nap...This is not his first rodeo, no.

When I woke up, I heard Christmas music... and he was on the living room floor wrapping a few gifts.

And the floor was vacuumed. It's a Christmas Miracle. At least, that's what it felt like. 



**This is, of course, the watered down version. There is no way I'll let anyone except for my husband see exactly how crazy I am :)

I'm sorry, I can't - I have to wash my hair.

I'm officially lame.

and I completely expect to get judged for this, but that's okay - I'm asking for it, right?

The husband and I got asked to go to dinner and a movie tonight. by friends that we haven't seen in a while. a long while....

it was sort of short notice.

We're not short notice kind of people (anymore).

Instead I (kindly) replied that we have a date.... at the grocery store... Looking back, I probably should have just left it at "we have a date".

I get how terrible that sounds, but in my defense, we really do love going to the grocery store together. And we're sooo out of all the things that make our tummies happy.

After I replied and felt like an ass (I mean, I may as well have said "I have to wash my hair"... which I really should do soon), I realized that she must think we're such losers now...


These are friends that we used to go out with and stay up until the wee hours of the morning dancing and drinking and laughing and being silly with.

Oops.

Off to Kroger!!

This house is home.

The husband and I have lived in our home for a year now. We closed on September 16, 2010 (last year for my birthday: I GOT A HOUSE... hard to beat that!)... we took a little over a month to make some changes to it: have it painted (I can only live in a crayon box), changed out the fixtures, had the carpets cleaned... had the WHOLE THING cleaned... it took longer than we thought it would- but we were also extremely anxious to move out of the thimble we were living in at the time (not that there is anything wrong with thimbles, it's just that we were bursting out the seams... between the two of us, Luke, the dog *only one at the time!* and the cat... we seemed to be pretty squished - the cat needs an entire room to her self AT ALL TIMES).  Not to get all mushy, but (I'm gonna) it seems so surreal to me now that we've been here. For a year. Making this house ours... making it home. I feel like we've lived here forever (in a good way). We still have work to do on it... but I wouldn't trade it. I painted the front door just a few weeks ago - so that the neighbors can tell from the outside that it's a crayon box!

We've had parties here and holidays and visitors and quiet nights... we love this house.

Everything has happened faster for us than we ever imagined it would. I may have mentioned it before... but when we met - I KNEW I had to be with JD. I knew I was going to marry him and love him and share a life with him... but I had no idea how it would happen... or when...Things were complicated.

SO that makes living in our own home for a whole year a really. big. deal.

We laughed the other day remembering my first time to hang out with my parents and JD at the same time: it was my birthday in Denton (where I went to school) - JD and I had been dating for months, but my parents had just found out he existed. Mom and Dad came to take me shopping for my birthday. Guess what I wanted for my birthday? A MATTRESS. How awkward is that? I went MATTRESS SHOPPING with my parents and my boyfriend of ... a little while... that they just met.
      side note: it wasn't like me to keep things from my parents (still isn't...) so that made the situation even stranger... typically they knew every move I made - I've never been that secretive with them.

Later on JD told me that every time he was about to talk during that shopping extravaganza, he remembered to just not. There was nothing he could say that wouldn't be weird.... but I remember walking with mom through the store... looking over at my dad and my boyfriend testing the same mattress. Dad always looks calm and collected... JD usually does - but he looked so uncomfortable that day. Hilarious. We all tried so hard to keep straight faces that day - but I think all of us wanted to laugh. Not just a little: I mean the kind of uncontrollable laugh that may release a snort.

That was three years ago. It seems so long ago now. At the time, I had no idea that we would all be where we are today. Isn't life funny?

Back to the house: a few of my favorite photos from around the house this first year (in no particular order) -


Bella hamming it up for the camera.



Christmas night... just got done playing Santa. All ready for Luke to come down stairs.




Luke and Fallon loving on the new addition to the family: Shep.




with my sweet mother-in-law, Loretta, on JD's birthday.



me, Mario and my momma - Halloween :)




The Pete.




Synchronized sleeping. Post sugar rush at Luke's birthday party.




I understand how cheesy this photo is - but I still love it. Christmas Eve... a little bit of wine... done playing Santa... <3 We're kind of cheesy, anyway.. you'll get over it.



All set up for Couch Amanda's birthday party. I was impressed with the way JD decided to hang the balloons :)



Okay. Done gushing about all of this. For now.

The other members of our family.

Our dogs are part of the family. And WE know they're awesome and full of their own GIANT personalities....

Why can't they be as awesome when other people are here?!!

I mean, our boys are fun and lovable and precious and even have a sarcastic dynamic to them (okay... maybe I made that part up, but they each definitely have a sense of humor).

When we have company (which is anyone except for Couch Amanda) I feel like we spend a whole lot of time explaining how cool our dogs are... when no one is looking.

Example:

Garage Sale Julie came over yesterday - and in tow she had the two most adorable children on the planet (hers...). Addie is 4 and Jack is 2 (ohhh Jack is SO 2!... poooooor Garage Sale Julie). Anyway - the tots wanted to see the puppies... so, naturally, I cringe a little on the inside because I know the dogs are going to react to our visit outside as if they've never been around humans. It's ridiculous.

I basically had to SIT on Shep (... 65 lbs, or so... gaining every day because he eats his food and Pete's food... and refuses to run with me - a whole different story... He will go about a block, and then he will sit and WILL NOT move... ). I had to SIT on Shep to keep him from plowing over the little ones. And we know he just thinks he is a small dog - he doesn't want to hurt anyone - he just gets SO. HAPPY. He can't even contain himself.... He always looks like a cartoon trying to move (it takes him a while) - his feet move quickly but he doesn't actually make any ground for 3 seconds or so.

I spent the entire time trying to let GSJ know that my dogs are REALLY COOL.... she just won't ever experience the level of coolness that we do.

Pete is just as spastic - but he is only about 12 lbs, so it doesn't quite have the same effect (he thinks it does). Pete loves kids... I think it must be because they're more his size. He can eventually calm down and hang out - but kids don't generally go for all the licking that Pete MUST do. I guess it's his way of shaking hands.

Both of them can manage to chill and bask in their awesomeness - but you're going to have to just trust me on that.

Shep is our rescue dog - we have only had him since May. He spent a long time (poor baby) in a shelter and craves constant attention. We knew going into this that he was going to need this and thus it's going to take a while for him to calm down... that's okay. He knows we love him. He is a Australian Shepard and Rottweiler mix - so he is really strong and so, so sweet. Shep is most definitely the husband's dog. He gets happy to see me - but when he sees JD he runs to him as fast as he can. When we first got him it was 10000 degrees outside every day and we would leave him in... that didn't last long.

Here is a list of things Shep has eaten. Not chewed up. Eaten:

My Sonicare toothbrush (grrrrr)
A bolt to the grill
The grill brush
a plastic bucket
my hot rollers

He has deemed himself an outside dog. It's okay, though - he has a really nice dog-house, plenty of water and he likes to spend time under the deck (as well as chasing squirrels - no squirrel is safe!).

Pete was given to me by JD when we were dating. I was living in DFW and JD was in LR - I was on the road a whole lot (and so was he) - so Pete was given to me to keep me company. My Pete Cardog. I raised him from being just a little potato with legs... he is definitely my dog. Anytime JD tells him to go outside, Pete will just look at me like "Mom, is he telling the truth?". It annoys the husband - but for a long time it was just Pete and me....so it's what he knows. He sleeps under my side of the bed, and as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning - Pete is there! It's kind of precious.

I suppose I felt the need to go on and on about our puppies because two of my aunts lost their own puppies this week - both really, really tragically and totally unexpected. I just wanted to show my puppies some blog love. I hugged them extra tonight, too. Our lives would not be nearly as interesting without them.

I LOVE LAMP

My childhood was magic.

Each birthday... every Christmas... Easter...Thanksgiving... even Valentine's Day was extra special and there was always something - an excitement - in the air in the Carlile house during these times. I understand how cheesy that may sound, but it's true.

I hope I can make that kind of atmosphere for our children someday.

There was one Christmas... while I was a teenager and Leanna was still pretty young, that my mom had gone back to work (for the first time since I was a little nugget... ) and things maybe weren't going as planned (financially) This is all assumption because I was completely oblivious to whatever their status was - this is all in hindsight... I remember Momma got upset (sad) after Christmas morning because she thought Leanna and I were... underwhelmed with the whole morning experience.

I must have been a terrible brat to make her think that! However, I never remember being disappointed or let down or anything but excited on those mornings - and it wasn't because of what I GOT - it was because of the love and the way my parents made every thing... each event... feel so significant.

Now don't get me wrong, I was 100% spoiled and didn't want for anything growing up, but it breaks my heart to think that I ever made either of my parents think they were doing anything except for surprising Leanna and me. They constantly made even the most normal day seem important... worth it... specific.  We were very happy little girls. Today we're very happy big girls.

As an adult I can recognize the care and attention to detail they spent making those memories what they are for me. Gosh... if anything was ever wrong, they totally had me fooled. Fooled isn't the right word: they always showed me the good. In everything. In most people, too. I didn't know any different (CAN WE PLEASE GO BACK TO THAT....... PLEASE?! ha).

They really did make it seem simple and natural... and EASY. And... maybe it was, for them - but I don't know that it will be for me. I'm going to do my best to give that enchanting element to my kids.

This didn't come out of nowhere :)

I went to East Texas this weekend to visit my parents and sister. We celebrated my birthday and had some fun family time - I even got to see a couple of friends while I was there. It's always so hard to fit everyone I want to see into a little teeny tiny weekend... someone always gets left out... and I always feel bad about it - but I hate to be rushed.

Anyways, I spent the night with my sister in her apartment Friday night - and didn't get to my parents house until Saturday around noon. As soon as I walked in my mom handed me a gift. It was a cookbook. A cookbook that 45 minutes before that I ALMOST bought for myself. My momma reads my mind.

Next I turned to the living room... where Daddy is sitting in his recliner (as expected) and there it is.

The lamp that I had "liked" on Facebook two days before. (a friend back in ETex just opened a super cute store... and she posted a photo of the lamp).

I said "I LOVE YOUR LAMP!"

He turned it around and there was a little sign on it that said "Happy Birthday, Love Daddy"

How sweet is that?

I'm 26 years old and my parents still surprise me in that way.

FALL IS HERE!!

5 Reasons to LOVE this time of year:

5 – It’s September. The weather is changing and I no longer break a sweat just walking from the office to my car. Residents are less cranky and thus, I hear from them less. No AC service requests at work = happy residents = more renewals = MAKES MY JOB EASIER. Hooray!

4 – Let the Christmas shopping begin! As of September 13, my little sister has been Christmas shopped.  If we spread it out for a few months… it doesn’t feel so financially terrible AND typically we save money by doing so (lots of sales right now!).

3 – It’s my birthday month. If you know me, you know I’m sort of a birthday brat. I get a whole month. As my husband refers to it, “the 30 days of Melanie” – you can start doing that too, if you want.

 

2 – CARDIGANS!!! They make me happy. In fact, layering makes me happy. Can’t layer when it’s 115 degrees outside and disgusting.  As a kid I loved summer… as an adult I am OVER it. Bugs, heat, sweat, no rain (not to mention.... children EVERYWHERE)…. NO THANK YOU. Fall, how I love thee and your beautiful changing trees!

Loft Cardigans: I'll take one of each color. Thanks.

1 – I want to be more active when it’s this amazing outside. I want to take my puppies to the park and run and lay on a blanket and read (okay, that’s not really “active” but it’s at least more interesting than just sitting inside reading….) and climb Pinnacle Mountain and redecorate the house (for Fall, and then Christmas!) …. For me, September is the beginning of the holiday season. This is THE BEST time of year!!

Pinnacle Mountain State Park @ Sunrise (picture borrowed from menaar.com). One of my favorite places: that's where JD proposed. New Year's Day 2009.

Grasshopper.

The husband is always prepared. Doesn't matter what we're talking about - he is prepared for it. It's adorable. It's one of the thousands of reasons I love him.

Saturday, this little fella rode a few miles from Pier1 to Kroger with us:

Actually, he was quite large. As far as grasshoppers go. He was big enough to make me get into the car in record speed. I'm not a fan of giant bugs...ick. I was pretty sure he was waiting on me to open my car door so he could attack and... I don't know... spit on me?  He traveled a lonnnng way for a bug - just by hitching a ride.

Anyways: this is really going somewhere. Kind of.

The conversation was as follows:

JD: Well, you know, if you were stranded in the jungle, those are the kind of things you would need to look for. For food. (with his "of course" voice)
Me: I will never be stranded in a jungle because I'll never go to a jungle (with MY "of course" voice. They're different)
JD: Fair enough.

When the end of the world comes, he is definitely the person to be with.

But that's how he thinks! Always prepared. I love it. <3

.Frustrated.

Yesterday Luke (8) was describing a dream he had about giant spiders.... the giant spiders were, apparently, biting people - but not successfully hurting them. He went on to shake his head and exclaim: "It just doesn't make sense! Sometimes real life doesn't make sense, though."

No, Luke, it doesn't....

I'm still relatively young (I would like to think!) ... and I am always trying to make things that don't make sense (in real life) *right*.  Of course, this rarely works out for me and I usually just end up frustrated. I've got to learn not to put my emotions into things that are out of my control. My husband seems to have this mastered. And my Dad.... coincidence that they're both males? .... maybe not. I can only think of one woman in my close family that isn't under the delusion that we can "fix" things and will do so by telling people how we feel (previously mentioned cousin who is VERY organized and super efficient during a garage sale... or... anything. I think we're going to start calling her Garage Sale Julie) Because once you understand how I FEEL and you see WHAT I SEE, certainly you wouldn't continue whatever A-hole thing you were doing... no way! Psssch.

What doesn't make sense to me: A mother taking her son away from his (non-deadbeat) father... A dad who loves and laughs and plays and teaches .... THAT doesn't make sense... All so she can start over and maybe have less guilt about how she has lived her life...and the father/son relationship is continued via cell phone and skype...because that's the same as tucking your child in and picking them up from school and giving them a hug when they take a spill of the bike... you get it...

Of course, this particular mother knows exactly how I feel - and how he feels, for that matter - but she doesn't GET. IT.

I pray every day for some magical realization to come over her so she can fix this... so Luke doesn't spend every holiday on the road and every birthday without one of his parents... However, she is incredibly selfish... this isn't really about Luke. It's about her.

I've got to find a way to get rid of the anger I have towards her... it hurts me more than her, I know. Typically I'm good at turning negative feelings into something... SOMETHING... but she seems to be the exception. I'm definitely working on it... My biggest obstacle is that I don't understand how she can't see the problems she is causing for her own son... and I get all into it and emotional and negative... It's not productive, I know.

Sometimes real life doesn't make sense.

                                                    My boys on top of Pinnacle Mountain

Just keep swimming

I think I need a vacation.

Rephrasing that: I need a vacation.

This whole working for a living thing is for the birds.

Nah - it's not really that I don't like working... although work has been stretching me pretty thin here lately (although I mean figuratively, I WISH physically...). I've been coming home exhausted most days - and, as a naturally happy person - maintaining my smiley attitude has been difficult as of late - which makes me a little disappointed in myself. I would like to think I'm one of those "push through the storm with a positive attitude" people - but this... this is a long storm. As long as I remind myself that it's temporary - I'm okay. It's when I get caught up in the drama of it all and the negative thinking spiral begins.... eh... you get it.

I really would just EAT UP a few days off... away... somewhere in the mountains by a lake - or on the beach or on a giant bed in a cabin with lots of good food and a few easy reads..... and of course, the Mister :)

He still gives me butterflies.

It's nice.

We were in a long distance relationship for a year before I moved to Little Rock. We tore up the roads between LR and Dallas...

Today we met for lunch and both went the same direction for a while when we had to return to work (which doesn't happen often because he works on the other side of town and I always eat lunch at home) - but there was a moment where he had to exit and I stayed on the freeway - our cars were getting farther from each other  - but were parallel... we waved... and my heart fluttered. I guess that is never going to go away. There were so many days and nights that we had to drive away from each other like that - waving... counting the minutes until the next time we would see one another. That was the most difficult, wonderful, exciting time. I'm thankful for not having to live that way anymore!

So - I got off track... but I don't really know that I had a track tonight....

No vacation in sight for now - so.. I'll "just keep swimming... just keep swimming.. just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" :)

Change.Dreams.Love.Happy.

If you had told 5 years ago Melanie that she would be (so very happily) married and living in Little Rock, Arkansas soonish... she would have rolled her eyes, laughed and probably taken a shot of vodka (I had a vodka phase about 5 years ago...).

When I was in high school, my cousin worked for Hendrix (still does...), but she - on several occasions - attempted to strike up conversation that involved me possibly attending Hendrix College... I remember telling my mom I wasn't interested because I would never even CONSIDER living in Arkansas. Ohhh Irony, how I love thee. The minute I graduated high school I was out the door and in DFW.

Being the stereotypical Texan that I am, this is how my map of the US went:

I really loved college. I loved it so much that I had a "victory lap" - actually, it was just half a lap. One extra semester (but don't worry, my dad still found a way to work in the fact that that I had been there so long I could "be mayor" into conversation). My plan was always to stay in Dallas... probably North Dallas, and have some super fabulous life that would eventually lead to having a credit card specifically for shoes and a closet that was a showroom for said shoes. In these fantasies I never had a job... odd....

I met my husband in the middle of my junior year of college. For several reasons that would require another post to get into detail, people freaked out when I fell for him. By people I mean almost everyone I know. Except for my sister. I knew a couple of weeks within meeting him that I loved him. I didn't know how or when or what was going to happen - but I knew I had to be with him. To be honest, it freaked me out a little too.

Now, keep in mind that I had my heart set on being a very "important" city girl. I had tall buildings to live in and plenty of late nights out left - I thought.

There was only one way I could ever be with my sweetheart.

I had to do the unthinkable and move to Arkansas. I remember talking to a friend about this and she literally said to me "... but where will you buy your makeup? Do they even have malls there?" hahahaha

We didn't really talk about it too much because the conversation always came to a dead end: He had a son. I would never ask him or even think that he would leave his son and come away with me to live my city girl dream. 

A few days after graduation, I decided that I was moving to Little Rock. A few days after I decided to move to Little Rock, he proposed (on top of Pinnacle Mountain New Year's Day... so romantic!). He was waiting on me to make a decision so that I didn't feel pressured (isn't he the sweetest thing ever? yes, yes he is).

First we lived in Hillcrest - which was super cute and close to downtown. The downside: our adorable little cottage was a gazillion years old and required a lot of maintenance. Now we live in West Little Rock - we love our home... it's still a work in progress, but it's come a long way since we bought it. I thought it would bother me to live so far from downtown... it does NOT. I love it out here! It's a quiet neighborhood... we even have neighbors that are NICE. Nice neighbors... how interesting.

We have a new dream: to save up, build a not-too-big house on a fat piece of land that is nowhere close to anything. With a wrap around porch. And lots of windows.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

I'll be the first to admit that I didn't like it when I moved here. My first year here was really hard - and I had moments of "WHYYYYYYYYY am I here?" quite often. I was strictly here because I had to be with him - and by then I was also in love with my step-son... he is a special little boy with a big place in my heart. When people asked me how I ended up in Arkansas, I would just giggle and say "oh, that man I married!". But now I say "I like it here." - and... I do. It's nice here. Minus the 100+ degree weather, I don't really have any complaints... I'm really happy here - which is something I was afraid would never happen when I first got here.

What I want has completely changed. My dreams have taken a turn... I don't want the same things. I used to think it was so strange that my parents would stay home even if they were given the opportunity to do something "out". I. Get. It.

This is the first weekend in a long string of weekends that I get to be alone with my husband in our house with absolutely no plans. I could not be more excited (right now I'm listening to him snore in unison with the dog... kind of the exclamation point to my... point).

The thing is, there is nobody else I could do this with. I could only want this dream with my husband.

I really love what we have.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart.

I love this photo - in case you can't read it, the note says "I didn't know there was joy like this. I love you". That, along with a small box containing some beautiful earrings, came to me on our wedding day while I was getting my hair did.

Here's to you, Mom.

It is my sweet momma's birthday!! In honor of this amazing lady's special day - here are 5 LIFE CHANGING things that she has taught me:

1 - Make your bed, you'll feel better. It doesn't matter how crappy my day is - this has always worked. It makes the day a little better... plus it gives me somewhere to put all the laundry that I haven't folded.

2 - Even if you don't mean it, PRETEND to be in a good mood - and then eventually, you may actually BE in that good mood. My mom is very cheery. People love to be around her because she is such a positive person. I try to be this way... I don't quite have it down like she does :) It is what you make it, though - and Momma seems to have it mastered. She definitely knows how to make lemonade out of lemons. With a splash of vodka.

3 - Pray about it. That's all you can do, anyways. As a control freak, it took me a long time to finally accept that mom knows best when it comes to this. My mom has the kind of faith that people admire - she always tells me that I need to pray and give it to God. She is so right.

4 - Be silly. You have to be silly. My mom is so much fun.

5 - If you take care of other people, they will take care of you. She has never TOLD me this in so many words - but she lives it. Momma puts every one else before her - she has always taken such great care of my Dad and all three of her lovely offspring... her sister.. her brother... her mother ANYONE. She is the most caring person I know - she has such a big heart. In turn, people like to take care of her, too. We all love to know that she is doing well - and when she isn't feeling well, or she is down... there are many prayers (ahhh, #3 and #5 are connected....).

- My Momma in the middle, with her brother (David) and her sister (Diana) on the 4th of July

BONUS #6 - You don't always have to say "yes". It's okay to tell someone you have enough on your plate. 

So, Momma, I hope you have a fabulous birthday!! You are the sweetest, most beautiful woman I know. I love you.

The Real Kind.

I got called fat today. To my face. But it doesn't matter.

Allow me to break this down for you: My husband is ah-mazing.

I was having a particularly lovely day, minding my own business... thinking about getting off work and having a very much needed date night with my Sweetheart...and one of my residents (a rather harsh woman from New Orleans... late 50's, living off the government since Katrina, doesn't shower often or work ever) comes in to handle some lease signing business. We were all finished and this is how the conversation went:

Resident Smelly: You know, you got big
Me: .....excuse me?
RS: Yeah. You got big. You didn't used to be so big.
Me: That's not very nice. (insert complete look of bewilderment)
RS: Well, but you you know it's true.
Me: That doesn't mean I want to hear it. Here is a copy of your renewal.

She walked away smiling... her mission was complete. She got the government to sign another year of paying her rent so she can smoke weed and steal bread from the EZ mart - and she also managed to upset me. I didn't cry in front of her or anything, but when she left I definitely had one of those "... that. just. happened." moments. She isn't my friend or someone that I even care what they think about me... but what kind of adult DOES THAT? I mean.... DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? I couldn't decide if I wanted to laugh or cry (I did a little of both).  Then I called my mom.

I didn't mean to give her such power over me... in fact, before I left work I even settled down and reminded myself that I have a husband that loves me even if I have gained 20something pounds over the past few years. Things happen... I've also been on a powerful steroid for the last 19 days - so I'm a little puffier than normal and retaining lots of water. I certainly didn't need her help in the self esteem department - I do fine on my own there.... trust me.

But

Then when I got in my car to leave - I couldn't stop thinking about the conversation and replaying it in my head.. trying to think of what I would have said had I been able to think. I probably would have been mean back... because that's the defensive thing to do. I would have mentioned her stench or the fact that I pay my own bills... or that I go home to a husband.... but that wouldn't have helped. It wouldn't have REALLY made me feel better.... maybe just a little less attacked - but not better. I really had my feelings hurt - I've never been called BIG to my face. The fact that she was just a random person made me feel really insecure - she doesn't know me or care about me... so if she says it and thinks it - the people that love me must just be trying to be nice... but they see it too. See? She got in my head a little.

And then I came home to my sweet, sweet husband. <3 Oh, that man. He had prepared. He knew what happened and that he had his work cut out for him. Poor guy...

He came home to me laying in bed with my sunglasses still on. I immediately replayed the scene for him and started crying so that he could begin consoling me with his charming words... He really knows what he is doing...

Then, in the middle of telling him the whole thing - I remembered that I'm reading a book called A Way With Words. I just started it a couple of days ago. It's about being careful with our words and using them only for the positive - trying to keep from destroying someone just because we can't hold our tongue - and I had a little feeling of accomplishment: I hadn't said something awful back to her. All I could get out was "that's not very nice". At the time, I was unhappy that I hadn't said something clever like "the good news is: my mother taught me manners!" or "Yeah, being in love and happy really makes me pack on the pounds"... but looking back, I'm so glad I didn't. Just like she doesn't know anything about me - I don't know anything about her or her history.... I'm really thankful that I said what I did. I don't think I'm allowed to take any "credit" because it didn't really occur to me until afterward, but I'm still glad. Granted - I pitched a fit when she left...

That's the short version - and my husband helped me work this all out and not feel bad about it.

So, after I pulled myself together, decided not to have an eating disorder and reapplied some eye makeup, we went to Cantina Laredo - one of our favorites (it's the best Mexican food in AR... it's the closest thing to Mexican food from home - and our favorite server there always makes us smile - his name is Carlos).

Two Cabo Margaritas later and some enchiladas camerones - I was STUFFED. Too stuffed.... gave myself a tummy ache. While at dinner the husband mentioned that he knew we would either go out and have a fabulous night as planned, or we would be taking a really long run - haha.

So - onto the part where true love owns:

We got home and my tummy was... unhappy. I had to lay down for a while... and he curled up with me to play Words With Friends (even though we previously established that it's kind of damaging to our relationship because I never get to win.... I'm actually winning our current game! I'm sure that will change soon). We both fell asleep for about an hour... We had originally planned on seeing a movie or SOMETHING else to follow up our dinner date - but that didn't happen. And now I'm writing this blog while he is reading and listening to music.... and we're HAPPY. I get to be happy. I can't believe that I married such an amazing man. I get to be the REAL KIND of happy. Maybe not skinny, at the moment, but happy!

Let's recap: some lady made me upset about being fat, I cried and went out to our dinner date anyways where I practiced being fat and gave myself a tummy ache, we came home and fell asleep instead of more fun date things and then woke up to relax together. I'd say that things are pretty great. Even if the scale doesn't read the way I really want it to right now. Former, less happy Melanie would have let that whole ordeal ruin the entire night. Happily married, very much loved Melanie knows it's not worth it.... She is way more fun!

So take me far away 

and hold me close to your heart 

and do me just this little favor 

for I do, yes I do love you

yes, I do love you. - KT